I’ve been overthinking overthinking

And pretending it’s not procrastination

It’s easy to do, something happens and the natural thing is to pull it apart. To consider what’s happened from every angle.

Now I’m not naturally a person that overthinks a conversation or a social interaction. But I’m surrounded by people that are.

Wherever I’m told I’m the subject of the over thinking eg.

“They think you don’t like them…”

I’m shocked! What?! Don’t like them?! I’ve not thought about them since I last saw them (thanks neuro-spicey brain). Or if I have it’s certainly not malicious.

But overthinking comes in all shapes and sizes. A friend gets hooked on social interactions and it’s a full play by play breakdown. She has her process, I’m there for it when she needs, but it must be exhausting! Right?!

My over thinking comes when I have an idea or a vision of how I’d like something to be. And I plan to a meticulous degree, make whatever it is real in my head and honestly that’s all I think about. How to make it happen, best first steps and so on.

Over time I’ve had to catch myself and rein it in, sometimes one has enough projects to be getting on with, and new ideas have to be shelved for later (so unfair).

Then I have another friend that overthinks random things adjacent to what’s going on.

For example. Something has happened in her life and it’s got to her, bugged her, she’s worried or frustrated. And rather than thinking about that she latches on to some tiny thing (that usually hasn’t happened yet) and makes mountains out of mole hills. Creating stress and drama and worry about something that probably won’t happen (I’ve been watching lately, none of the worries have come to pass).

All 3 of these examples, mine, the social overthinking and the adjacent overthinking seem to have a couple of things in common.

Firstly. It’s all thinking and not feeling or doing.

Secondly. They’re a distraction.

Let me explain.

In all three scenarios; social interaction occurs, I have an idea, something happens to cause concern or worry, instead of taking a moment to just feel, the learned response is to think think think think.

It’s almost like a compulsion.

It gets addictive, if I’m here in my head I don’t have to face the reality of what’s in front of me. Or how I actually feel about it.

When ideas come to me, and I’m lucky to have many, if I think about those and perhaps even act of them a little bit it’s taking me away from the tasks / work that I “should” be doing.

It’s a favourite procrastination technique, and why is it great?! Because it gives me bonus dopamine and fuels my self worth because I’m “doing” and being “busy” (gag).

But instead of writing the idea down, pausing and noticing how I feel, likely a little overwhelmed, stressed, unsure, unfulfilled, I get all excited about something new and shiny and place my energy there instead.

The overthinking is a practiced way to avoid my feelings. Feelings I deem “less than” or “avoidable”.

Rather than taking a few minutes just to feel those feelings of overwhelm or stress. I’ve ran away from them and likely made the situation worse by delaying tasks that need to be done.

But in my head I’m having a lovely time because I’m planning and thinking about something new.

My friend who breaks down social interactions, (A common overthink from what I can gather) by overthinking each tiny detail. From what they were wearing, what the other person was wearing, the facial expressions, the words exchanged in minute details. Focusing on that stuff means she doesn’t have to focus on how the social exchange made her feel.

It’s usually the interactions that left us feeling something we don’t want to feel that we break down to minute detail.

When you’re hanging out with your bestie for the afternoon, relax, chat, be your most comfortable selves, it’s unlikely you feel the need to dissect the exchange. You felt relaxed, safe and loved.

Whereas if an exchange left you feeling “less than”, confused, shocked, angry or a mix of lots of emotions. The temptation is to not feel them!

There are a lot of unpleasant feelings going on in your body and rather than acknowledge them, it’s easier just to think about what happened instead and hope that understanding what made you feel this way will get rid of the feelings.

It makes sense.

But it does expend a huge amount of time, turmoil and energy.

Then finally, the friend that finds something to focus on adjacent to the real feels.

An example could be that they’re stressed about starting a new job, they start on Monday. Externally they’re chilled, they say they’re a little nervous but they’re looking forward to getting started. To begin with it’s all very relaxed.

But as the time gets closer something else “happens”. A stress or drama, something that agitates or creates a lot of conversation and debate. Usually the issue is “this has happened, which means xyz”

The “drama” is always ‘make believe’. A storyline they’ve convinced themselves is true and decided to fixate on.

“My friend, who’s meant to be coming to my celebration meal next Wednesday has now said she might be late. I replied. But now she’s gone silent… I just know she’s going to cancel, I know she’s not going to show up, I showed up for her, this is so like her. I can’t believe she’s doing this to me…”

Then the friend replies as all is ok again.

The fixation on the creation of drama allows them to have an outlet for the stress and anxiety felt around the new job without having to actually face or admit those feelings are even there.

So rather than feeling those feelings. They overthink another scenario to change and justify the feelings that are already there.

• If a friend has upset you, feelings are justified.

• Being nervous / anxious / scared / unsure about a new job, are not.

It’s a defence mechanism. None of them are perfect.

So there we have my overthinking about overthinking and how it’s shown up in life lately.

There are other forms. How does yours take shape?

I really hope I don’t waste my time doing it again.

Love and light

Alex x